To Resist
by 1stepbehind29
Summary: Edward is trying to overcome the monster in him. He wants to control his blood lust. Join him on his journey of highs and lows to forgiveness.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: Ok. So, _To Resist_ is about Edward trying to overcome the monster in him. Bella is already changed, and for useful purposes only, she is unaffected by blood. Everyone else is the same, I think... **

**This is only the prolouge, so, yes, I know it's short... **

**Also, I'm not sure if you guys will like it, so please review and tell me if you want to continue or not. I have a little more written out, but I don't know...What's the point of writing and posting something if no one's gonna read and like it? **

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"You can do it," Bella encouraged. The smell of blood seemed to surround me, drawing me in, until I was even seeing red. All my senses were filled with blood lust. Except for one. My hearing. 

"Come on Edward! You can do it! Fight it! You can resist it. I know you can. Please. Think of Carlisle; Esme; think of me!" Bella pleaded. I shook myself, grimly tying to fight back the monster that was overpowering me. I had to fight. For my family, for myself, and most importantly, for my Bella. But that oh-so sweet blood was calling to me. It was irresistible. I felt myself becoming weaker as the blood lust-filled monster took over and took charge. I tensed, preparing to pounce and drain that blood that was taunting me; calling to me. A growl rose in my throat and I shifted my weight. I vaugely heard someone calling to me. Was it telling me to stop? Stop what? And the voice. It was so familiar. What was happening? But first things first. I bared my teeth and was about to spring …

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**A/n: Read and review!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**An: I forgot the disclaimer last time, but you guys all know this. I don't own anything. Really.**

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But the smell was gone. Disappeared! Just like that. My eyes started to clear and I shook my head to get rid of the last traces of the smell of blood. I looked around to see Carlisle and Bella looking at me, disappointment showing in their eyes. I blinked, suddenly remembering where I was. I was in my basement, trying to see if I could resist the smell of human blood. And so far, I couldn't. It had been several months already. I moaned, the reality finally hitting me. I was a disappointment; a failure to everyone. Bella came over and wrapped her arms around me. I had changed Bella a little over two years ago. After the transformation, we found out that she was immune to the smell of blood. With that, I decided to go a certain rampage. I wanted to renounce my sins and learn how not to be a monster. I thought Bella and Carlisle could help me get rid of my personal demons, seeing as they were the top two people I cared mostly about. But it turned out that Carlisle and Bella could only help me so far. It was mostly up to me. Once the smell got into my senses, all trace of reality vanished leaving only me as the monster with his prey, the blood. 

I sighed. This was getting very frustrating. Bella wrapped her arms more securely around me.

"Oh, sweetie, don't be too disappointed. You can do it. I know that. And you almost got over it this time, I could tell. Oh, Edward, don't beat yourself up over it. You can do it," she repeated.

"There's always next time," Carlisle stated, studying me with his wise eyes. "Besides, it took me much longer to get over it."

"But still," I sighed, disappointed, angry, and extremely frustrated at myself. I wanted to pull away from Bella, too ashamed to even look at my beautiful angel. I couldn't let her see the terrible monster I was. But Bella wouldn't let go, tightening her arms.

"Edward," she said, stern. "Don't pull away. It is perfectly natural to not be able to do it yet. An you are doing very well already." Oh, how I love her. Only she would still be able to love me after all I did or couldn't do.

"Edward, I'll always love you," she whispered, as if reading my mind, instead of vice versa. "No matter what."

"I love you too. So much," I whispered back.

Carlisle had already gone back upstairs so Bella and I went up. The rest of our family was gathered in the living room already. They murmured their sympathies, rather unsurprised. I didn't know whether to feel offended or grateful for not making such a big deal out of it. I sighed, deciding I didn't care.

_Edward, don't make such a big deal of it. You've got plenty of time_, came Alice's thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard it already. Spare me the speech. But all those humans, dying because I can't get over my stupid weakness. I can't help them because I've got my own personal problems," I was fuming at my weakness, clenching my hands, despite Bella's soothes.

"Edward!" Esme's voice was uncommonly sharp. "Don't think like that! For all those people who will die, you can do nothing about it. But there are plenty of other doctors that will help. And some people's fate is to die early. There is nothing you can do about it. Edward, just take everything one step at a time and get over this obstacle before you worry about anything yet, understood?"

"I understand. Thanks Mom," I mumbled. "Now, can you all just please leave me alone?" Without waiting for a reply, I closed my eyes, feeling my family members leave. _Good luck next time_, was what they thought. I leaned back into the couch, wishing to fall asleep. I stayed like that for a few more minutes, until I finally opined my eyes, thinking I would be alone. But I found Bella sitting next to me, staring at me with those big, now-topaz, eyes. It wasn't the same as the beautiful chocolate brown color I had loved, but still beautiful nonetheless.

"Want to go for a run?" I offered, taking her hand. I grinned at her, feeling incredibly light, as a smile graced her countenance. I took her in my arms and took out the door.

"Edward," she squealed. "I can run to, now. Let me down!" I knew she could run but I loved the feeling f her in my arms, expecially when I needed her the most.

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**A/N: Short, I know. I've got more but I need reviews...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ok, this is set in Chicago. Don't expect to understand how Bella got changed, why, how the treaty was avoided, etc., in this story, because I won't talk about it. All of you other brilliant writers can do that, if you want to. :) And I know Chicago is a pretty populated city, but I think there are some more deserted parts, right? I've only lived in Chicago for a few months, and it was a long time ago….Also, some cursing, so…BEWARE!! **

I ran. It felt so soothing to have my soulmate in my arms, running as fast as I could, feeling like all my problems would disappear. This was bliss. Ignorant and false bliss, but bliss nonetheless. My destination? Well, actually, I wanted to go to a place where I wouldn't be disturbed, I didn't have any worries, and I was always with my Bella. But in the more realistic case, I was heading to our new-found "meadow". It wasn't exactly a meadow, but ever since we discovered the meadow in Forks, the name stuck. It was really a clearing by a pond. It was really hard to get to, and the pond was really small, so the area seemed undisturbed. It was Bella's and my place to go. When we finally got to the clearing, and Bella climbed stiffly out of my arms. I smirked, satisfied she carried over some of her more practical human traits. The sun was darting in and out of the clouds but it was getting darker by the minute. Bella walked to the edge of the pond, took off her shoes and socks, perched on a slab of rock jutting into the pond, and stuck her feet in. I sat next to her, but didn't get my feet wet. We stayed silent for a while, staring absentmindedly at the ever diminishing sun.

"You know we all believe in you, right? That you will be able to resist the smell of blood? Because you have strong will. Remember when you first met me? You managed not to kill me, " Bella finally broke the silence. I sighed, not wanting to ruin the peace with that dreaded topic.

"I know Bella. But spilled blood is so much harder to turn away then something inside of a living and breathing human. The smell doesn't overwhelm you as much," I sighed again, disappointed that Bella didn't understand it as much as she should.

"I know, Edward," Bella whispered. "I'm sorry that I don't really get the true instincts of a vampire. I just want to help you. And I believe in you. Truly." I nodded gratefully, thanking, once again, that I had found this wonderful creature that made me so happy. I kissed the top of her head and held her close to me, and watched as the sun made its last desperate struggle with the dark.

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We were lying down on the grass, watching the abundant stars twinkling in the dark night sky. Bella was snuggled up to me, her head on my chest and my arm around her. Our eyes were closed, going into a state of mediation. It was our form of sleep. Bella and I had spent quite of few nights outside in our meadow, so our family wasn't worried. It was a peaceful night, with the moon a slim silvery crescent, and the sounds of crickets and frogs croaking somewhere in the folds of the vegetation surrounding the pond. A sudden rustling noise shook me out of my sleep-like trance. I felt Bella tense beside me, signaling she also heard it. More shuffling noises came, along with a loud crash and a curse along with it. It was the voice of a male, perhaps only in his teens. The noise came closer as more sounds further off drifted toward us. The boy was getting chased. I quickly looked into the boy's mind. _Shit! How the hell did I get myself into this mess? I didn't mean anything by that! It's not like I really was going to call the police!_ _What time is it anyway? Stupid watch. The fucking label said it was waterproof! My parents are going to kill me. If those boys don't kill me first, that is. _

The boys that were chasing him became more apparent. It sounded like there were 3 boys chasing after this boy. _Where the hell are we? Where did this bastard lead us to? Does Ryan have that knife? We're going to kill the jackass!_ The thoughts came from the 3 boys chasing him. And they meant trouble. I quickly sat up and told Bella to find a place to hid. It was too late to run away. There was only one way out, and the boys were coming that way.

"What's happening?" she hissed. "Why do I need to hid?"

"Some boy got in trouble with his gang and they're looking for trouble."

"It's not like I'll get hurt or anything," she protested.

"I don't care. Hide somewhere. Even if you can't get hurt, you'll manage to, somehow." I took Bella's hand and dragged her into a large bush. Just in time. The boy being chased appeared, gasping and trying to catch his breath. _Whoa, this is an awesome place man!_ _Oh, shit! It's too barren. How will I hide? _He was about 16, medium height, dark hair spilled from his cap, and looked scrawny and skinny. He had a backpack on. He looked desperately around, looking for a place to hide. But too late, the other boys came out onto the clearing, spilling onto the precious grass that Bella and I have spent so much time on. All three boys were quite large but only one was muscular large. It was the idealistic picture of a bully and his gang complete with the victim. The leader was the smart one, where his cronies did all the dirty work. One of them, Ryan I supposed, had a knife. The others had branches that looked like it had been ripped off trees or picked up while running. _We've got you cornered, you son of a bitch! There's no escaping us now!_

"Listen, man," stuttered the boy. "Hey, I wasn't going to call the police! I swear! I wasn't trying anything!"

"I know!" snarled the gang leader. "Do you think we care about some prick ass douche-bag taking out his cell phone at a party? No, dude. But I have seen the way you look at my girl. Melissa? Remember her? I even think you sent her a box of fucking chocolate."

_How the hell did he know I sent the chocolates? Aw, man! That was his girl? Didn't look like it. She could have at least said something! Oh shit! This was a trap! She was leading me on! She knew I would get in trouble by Drake. _

"We should stop them," Bella whispered quickly. "Or else one of them will get killed."

I nodded. "Let me." But then the wind shifted.

**A/N: Was it good? If it was confusing, don't worry. I'll explain it in the next chapter. Tell me what you think! Read and review!! Is it too short? Talk people:)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or New Moon, or anything owned by Stephenie Meyer...because obviously she owns them. And, sorry that I forgot to put the disclaimer in the previous chapters. **

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_The wind shifted…_

He was bleeding. I didn't notice it at first because I was halfway immune to human blood. Besides, it was just a few drips of blood. There were scratches on his legs gotten from, probably, when he was running. Low branches must have brushed against him. All of these thoughts registered in my mind for a brief moment, right before quickly being replaced by animalistic instincts. I was the hunter; he was the hunted. That was all there was to it. There was no Bella, no human witnesses who could just as easily get killed as this one kid. I sprang up, snarling, venom dripping like a hungry man who had just smelled his feast, and ready to taste the fresh, ambrosial taste of human blood. But something held me back, physically. I turned to my cager blindly, anger mounting until I was seeing stars. How dare they hold me back from what I rightfully can take? How dare they deny me of my feast?! I fought the strong ropes that were holding me back. But however strong the restrainer was, I was mightier, led by anger and need and soon, I broke free and leapt to the source of the blood.

"No!" I heard a desperate cry before I bent and attacked the boy.

His luscious blood flowed into my mouth like honey. After many, many years of suppressing my natural state, this act of drinking human blood came back to me as if I had been doing this for all my existence. It was heaven. Heaven? An inner conscience scoffed at that. Bella is your heaven, it reminded me. Bella…that name…why was it so familiar?

"Edward! No!! Stop! You have to!" Was that Bella? A pair of strong arms pulled me away from my meal, and I roared, angry. I twisted blindly, unprepared of the sudden loss of the warm and luscious liquid.

"Edward! You must stop! Think of me! It's Bella! For your family, you pride, and all you have done to stop this! Think of me and your love. Please, please, honey!" Someone was sobbing. The noise sounded wrong, like and angel was crying. It was wrong, imperfect. The voice it belonged was not supposed to sound like that. But no! What about your meal? Your long-deserved, precious meal? This came from a completely different part of my brain. A more sensible side. So, with that thought to drain my prey completely, I lunged forward again. My captor seemed to be startled and let go; I was free. Free to drink again. Free to quench that ever aching thirst, that thirst that had always been taunting me, scorning me. But not now.

The blood wasn't all that great, if truth be told. It wasn't even comparable to most of the other victims. But, who was complaining? I growled, low in my chest, reliving and reviving. I was slightly converting back to my natural state, the monster who killed and killed without mercy. I am a vampire.

I was almost done with the first kid when, yet again, strong arms encased me and drew me back. I was so frustrated. Who would be so brash, so bold to hold me, the vampire, back from his prey? And not once, but twice. I twisted, squirmed, and kicked, anything to escape. But these arms were mighty, extraordinarily strong.

"Stop moving. Stop it Edward! You should be so ashamed of yourself!" An upset, but gentle voice broke into my hazy fog. _Stop._

"Resist it! You have better control than that!" I stopped struggling. The damper that was previously blocking my view was suddenly lifted. I could think clearly now. I blinked and shook my head. I looked around and took in my surroundings. The dead body in front of me. The other bodies, also dead, the necks broken. My entire family surrounding me. Emmett holding me back. Bella. Bella...

No, no. No, no, no, no. This was not happening. I did not just do that.

"No," I groaned, sliding to the ground. Emmett released me from his grip but was tense, ready to hold me back if I gave any sign of losing control again. "No. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. No. Please tell me I didn't do that. Please. Bella. I'm so sorry. No! Oh, God. Oh, no, please, no, God. No, God. Please!" I sobbed. Who can forgive me now? Will Bella…? Can she still love me?

I felt a pair of slender and gentle arms wrap around me. I looked up to see Bella hugging me tight, as if she might lose me. I tensed, but then reached up to slowly hug her back. I rested my head on her shoulder, feeling sobs shudder through me.

"Bella," I began.

"Shhh. Don't say anything. It's okay. Everything will be okay. I love you." Could I believe that this forgiving, loving creature was all mine?

"No. Please let me finish. Bella. I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I don't know what happened. I just snapped. Oh, God, Bella. Please forgive me. I love you so much."

"I know, love, I know. I forgive you. Let's get you home. I love you." She helped me up and we got into a car. I wasn't really sure which one, but it seemed to be our new one, the Audi RS4. Jasper and Emmett stayed behind, probably to take care of the bodies. Throughout the car trip, Bella was murmuring encouraging words. She comforted me, and although I didn't feel completely better, it helped.

The car finally came to a stop and Bella helped me get out. I was in a daze, my brain reeling with everything that had happened. I could barely register it. I stumbled slightly. I was oblivious to my family's thoughts. I could only relive those moments. Smell. Attack. Restrained. Angry. Attack. Blindness. Everything flashed before me, the thoughts moving faster and faster and starting to blur together. I was starting to feel dizzy and was relieved when I collapsed onto my couch. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

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**A/N: I am SOOO sorry for not updating sooner. I have a ton of excuses but I don't think people want to hear that. But I just didn't have time to type. In fact, I wouldn't have finished this chapter if my friend hadn't urged me...So, if this chapter has mistakes and everything, it's 'cause I wanted to get it up soon. I have the plot and everything figured out, but it may take awhile to get everything typed. And remember to review! Comments? Thoughts? Ideas? Happy to hear them! And is this still too short:?**


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